new page added

i have added a new page and it is a brief summary of eating disorders (ED). go on by and tell me what you think of it. i hope to add more to it in time.

i am off to BP (bridgepoint) this weekend. i know it will be good, but i am still quite SCARED! but i will go. I WILL GO!!! ED isn’t going to stop me from getting the treatment i need!

BridgePoint weekend

i am off to BP (BridgePoint Center for Eating Disorders) this coming weekend. i will be there for the weekend. i haven’t been there for almost 3 years. it has been awhile. but i need to have a “quick” re-fresher weekend. at the same time it is going to be intense. i need to “re-connect” with people and myself while i am there.

“BridgePoint Center for Eating Disorders is a multi-disciplinary organization of individuals whose aim is to help you initiate processes, which help you become more connected with and aware of what you want out of life. Struggling with an eating disorder can be a very lonely, painful existence. We understand this. Some of us have been in that place.” - BP Philosophy

this last week i was busy. and now i am tired. i just helped a friend today clean up her yard of cariganna bushes. there is still more that needs to go to the dump, but it had closed for the day for the fourth load. i have been on the run and now i am tired. i am feeling it, too, but tonight i am going to try and relax for the bit.

this next week shouldn’t be too busy, except that it is going to be short. i have D tomorrow, SCYAP on tuesday, try and relax on wednesday (may be go to TH), on thursday to sunday i am at BP. actually i am going to be busy. wholy crap. i need tonight for myself.

how am i though? tired, but ok. i am coping and keeping myself busy. which i need. i am eating a bit better and it is needed. in fact, i just got home after going out for supper and a DQ blizzard. so i am FULL. i needed to fill my tummy, i didn’t realized i was hungry until i sat down with my friend at Eastside Mario’s.

ED is still on my mind. but i am still fighting my ED. i am going to conquer ED. i know ED will be around for many years and that is ok. i want to win over ED and i will. it will take time, and i will win. ED has taken too much from me. now i want my life back. and i will have my life back.

break-a-thon went well

i went to the board break-a-thon again this year and it was successful. we had about 300 boards to break, and there were not that many of us. i did the speed break this year - a first and am pretty proud of ourselves. we were given 5 boards to break as fast as were could and we broke four out of the five and our time was about 10 seconds. we are pretty proud because it wasn’t planned or practiced that i was going to do the speed break, but we did at the last minute. we had to use three foot techniques and two hand techniques.

still waiting for SCYAP to get their funding and by the sounds of it - it could begin in a month! that means hard work, but fun work and learning at the same time.

things are going ok - busy, but ok. being busy is a lot better than sitting at home. the weather is getting better outside, and we are therefore outside a lot more.

i’ll do a better update later …

Five Things meme

We were tagged for this meme by AthenIvandx. so here we go:

5 things found in your bag: (we will be considering both purse and backpack for this one.)

1. wallet
2. pencil case
3. sketchbook
4. halls (still getting over a cold)
5. bus pass

5 Favorite things in your room (doesn’t say which room, so we’ll say livingroom):

1. computer and all the accessories that goes with it
2. a dog or two
3. TV, with VCR/DVD player
4. DVDs, VHS’, CDs
5. books and only more books

5 things we have always wanted to do:

1. to travel overseas, like africa, and do work with those of the native land
2. to get our black belt in TKD (taekwondo)
3. to be a full-time visual artist
4. to be able to write a book which would include our poetry and our art
5. to be free from my eating disorder and able to eat whatever i want and NOT feel the guilt

5 things we are currently into:

1. TKD
2. the visual arts
3. playing with our dogs
4. blogging
5. spending time with CS

5 people we’d like to tag:

1. CS
2. amsley
3. secret_stains
4. it takes a village
5. she became a butterfly
6. and any one else who would like to fill this out

so, yah, that is about it …

board break-a-thon

we have the board break-a-thon this weekend. more specifically this saturday from 12-4pm. am i nuts? yep. but it fun at the same time. i feel very self-conscious when we are stretching and getting ready for the break-a-thon. everyone is staring at us as we stretch on our own and setting up the barrier so the shoppers in the mall do NOT walk into our space. like last year, this year it is at one mall - right in the food court. they don’t give us much room, but we’ll work with it.

the photos you see are from last year at the same mall. we are NOT given much room, but it will still be fun. there are many boards that get broken over the four hours. and the way they will be broken will vary to all different ways, along with showing different patterns from different belt levels. here are a few more pictures of the board break-a-thon from last year:  

and then there are the black belts who are helping out and giving others guidance to colour belts as they wait their turn to try and break various boards, and of course to have fun. having fun is the most important thing during the break-a-thon. 

so today, i am off to do painting with SCYAP - volunteering, and then i have an appointment with my psychiatrist, then there is TKD at the end of the day. so i have to take my TKD clothes with me as i leave the house and get painted some more. so today is a busy day, but that is fine.

off i go …

update later

i just want to tell you all that i am still around. i’ll update more later. time to get off and think …
scary! yep, but i have to think. talk later …

leave me alone ED!!! - letter

i wrote this letter to my eating disorder first on Xanga, but i want to share it on here as well. ED is my eating disorder and to read previous post about my ED, click here.

Dear ED,
Please leave me alone. you have been occupying my life more and more in the last few weeks. could it be that a few months ago i weighed myself and the scale said the highest number i have ever seen coming off the scale. i have never been that heavy. i wanted to lose a bit of weight, but this is insane. in the last 3 months i have lost over 25 pounds.

i have looked up something on you, ED, and this is what it is … the ED is serious when you have lost over 20 pounds in a 3-month period. those words scared me at first, but then it made me happy. was it me, or was it you trying to get into my head to make me realize that losing this weight is good? and this much? i have looked up ED assessment questions and on one of the sites regarding ED and if it is out of control is a big loss of weight.

my mom and other family/friends have noticed i have lost a lot of weight. they all think this is good, because i have been in the “obese” category. i am happy i have lost the weight and i want to continue. i hate being over ***lbs, because that is my ultimate goal. to be back at ***lbs. i am still determined to get there.
this isn’t right and it is beginning to scare me. ED you have been occupying my every thought during this last month, including my dreams. i have had dreams of walking around and fainting every time. why have i been fainting? because i haven’t been eating/drinking. do you want me to die from you? is that what you want, ED?

i don’t have an appetite. i don’t want to eat and i want you to know something. i want to eat a bit something here and there, and often when it is something i want, it doesn’t stay down for long. in other words, i have been purging the little i do eat. food is scaring me. is it you, ED, not wanting me to eat or is it me? yes, i am confused.

i have dealt with you for the last 15+ years and you have taken so much away. you keep creeping back into my life, when i am starting to feel a bit better, and it seems you want to take my joy of life away. it is hard. it is frustrating when i want a life away from you, but at times still want you in my life.

i don’t know who to believe, my head or you. is this that love/hate relationship i have heard about? now it is starting to confuse me more and more.

ED, do you love me for me, or do you want me to give into you? do you want me dead? or do you want me to live, just enough so you can come into my life and tempt me over and over and over?

i love you, but hate you at the same time …
Di of MC

i did this ranting of a letter and i did feel better. i thought i would like to share it on WordPress. i would like to hear feedback as well …

learning the new

wordpress has changed their dashboard and now it is something new i have to learn. it is confusing right now and i hope i learn this new dashboard fast. it will probably make more sense over time, but i have been used to the old one. it was an unknown change and it came out of nowhere. at first, i thought the internet/computer had screw up the reading of the design. so this is new and hard to work with RIGHT now, but i hope i can get used to it.

learning the “new” is hard for me, and without notice it is even harder. if it is a change that i have no control over, i guess i am willing to learn it and adjust. may not like it at first, but usually over time, i can. when i know that a change is coming, i can “prep” myself for it. usually that means learning about what is in the works before and to look around. however, it is hard, but i am willing to work on it. i may be stubborn, and mad at times, but i usually learn it as a way of life. change canNOT always happen when i want it, but i will adapt. reminding myself to breathe is very important and a good “grounding” technique i have learned.

on a totally different note, but still on change …
a friend of mine has gone down to a treatment centre in the States for her to work on her ED and Trauma. she is going to be there for approximately 2 months. i would like to know if any of you have ever been to “Del Amo Hospital” in Torrance, CA. why? because i have looked up information on the treatment centre (over the internet and through email), but they don’t really say that much. so if any of you have ANY information that would be helpful. she would have gone to a treatment centre here, but there is none close by. she could have gone to one in Canada, but that could only possibly trigger her worse, because of the location. so she was able to get funding to go to Del Amo. i know everyone’s experience is different when you go to something like this, but i would like to hear what other’s thought of the program.

Simple message, but for some people, hard to understand

Please re-post, even if you think everyone in your network of friends knows better.

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.

Women should learn self-defense.
Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark.
Women shouldn’t have long hair and women shouldn’t wear short skirts.
Women shouldn’t leave drinks unattended. In fact, they shouldn’t dare to get drunk at all.

But, if fact, rape is not just a female bodied concern. And rape is not the responsibility of the survivor, it is the responsibility of the predator. Men, male-bodied people, and other bodied/gender identified people should be concerned with rape.

Instead of that sexist, victimizing ideal, how about:

If a person is drunk, don’t rape them.
If a person is walking alone at night, don’t rape them.
If a person is drugged and unconscious, don’t rape them.
If a person is wearing a short skirt or shorts, don’t rape them.
If a person is jogging in a park at 5 am, don’t rape them.
If a person looks like the ex you’re still hung up on, don’t rape them.
If a person is asleep in their bed, don’t rape them.
If a person is asleep in your bed, don’t rape them.
If a person is doing their laundry, don’t rape them.
If a person is in a coma, don’t rape them.
If a person changes their mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don’t rape them.
If a person has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don’t rape them.
If a person is not yet a adult, but a child, don’t rape them.
If a person is “ugly” and you think they’ll appreciate it in the long run, don’t rape them.
If the person agrees to sex with a condom, but you want to take it off, don’t rape them.
If your partner or significant other is not in the mood, don’t rape them.
If your child or family member is watching tv, don’t rape them.
If you break into a house and find a person there, don’t rape them.

If your “friend” thinks it’s okay to rape someone, tell them it’s not, and that they’re not your friend.
If your “friend” tells you they raped someone, report them to the police.
If your peer or another person at the party tells you there’s an unconscious person upstairs and it’s your turn, don’t rape them, call the police and tell the peer they’re a rapist.

If they moaned and got hot, you’re still a rapist.
If they came, you’re still a rapist.
If they were on top, but forced, you’re still a rapist.
If you used a condom, you’re still a rapist.
If there were no weapons involved, you’re still a rapist.
If they were someone you had sex with before, you’re still a rapist.
If it was oral or anal sex, but forced, you’re still a rapist.
If you used a foreign object in the act, but not any part of your own body, you’re still a rapist.

Tell family, friends, co-workers, neighbors it’s not okay to rape someone.
don’t tell your friends how to be safe and avoid rape, or what they “should” have done.
don’t imply that they could have avoided it if they’d only done/not done x.
don’t imply that it’s in any way their fault.
don’t let silence imply agreement when someone tells you they “got some” with the drunk person.
don’t perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

There’s no excuse for raping someone and no excuse for blaming the victim also.

i posted this on an old blog, that ended up closing, but i still wanted to share with you all on here. please re-post for others to know.

a ramble on my journey to thriving

i have decided to start and write about my “journey” of healing from the abuse that happened to me and the body. this is going to take a while to write and i know it is going to be exhausting. i don’t know if i will be posting this at all, or if i will keep it more private and for myself. i haven’t decided and i don’t know if i will decide any time soon. this is a big step for me and the whole healing process. i just wrote a page today and now i am exhausted.

my healing “journey” has been long and has been hard. first of all, i had to make it through the abuse, and that i did. i am now surviving and am very close to thriving. sure, i may not have money overflowing in my bank account, but that is nothing. i am thriving in the way of being able to find my voice and talk for me. i created D.I.D. as a coping mechanism growing up, and it is still a part of my life. but the most important thing is that i am recognizing that the alters were created for a purpose and i am grateful for them. i am continuing to thrive in finding ways and purpose to live. to also find my voice, not only for myself, but for others as well.

i may not be thriving in every way, but i am thriving by NOT letting the abuse to continue in my life and helping others find their voice. at times, i may feel as though i am failing, but that is often the part where i am thriving as i continue to fight for my life and NOT giving up.

i don’t know what else to say right now, so i am going to close this for now …

i made it and i got info

i am home after 10 days at TH. i needed to be there and i have grown so much from this last time there. here is a bit of what went on …

i made it through my birthday and the weekend (good friday and full moon, easter). being at TH is what we needed. they were very supportive and encouraging, even if i didn’t want to face the days. for the first 7 days i was there, i was the only resident - besides the staff. so the focus was on me. i didn’t know this, but i think that is exactly what i needed. usually when there is other residents in, i try and focus on them, but i couldn’t do it for the first 7 days. we talked about the birthday of the body and what we could do to ‘re-claim’ it. that was hard. i didn’t get much sleep those days (2 hours to 2 1/2 hours a night), but now i can sleep a lot better. i was under a lot of stress and not even knowing it.

i said that i wasn’t going to go out while i was there, but i did. i went with a staff member to Ruckers (game centre) on my birthday, because the dorrbell at the house was going to ring the whole night because of the Healing Circle offerred that same night. well, we got out. then the next night we went to the new Wal-Mart here in the city and got some sorting laundry hampers. a staff member at TH went through the recycling, after we did and threw out over half of the recycling. that got us frustrated and furious. we talked and decided on finding and creating a better way to sort the recycling so everyone there can. this last year, there were over 100 women who went through the residence and TH was trying to be earth-friendly, but so much went right back into the garbage. i don’t think that will happen so much now, i hope.

i was able to talk to one of the staff about her dealing with her eating disorder and my own. being stressed didn’t help me, but i was able to talk about what i was feeling regarding my body and my thoughts. i know my ED is around, but i am trying not to let it take control over my life.

i am glad to be home and to be with CS. i could tell that our babies missed us. frankie was sleeping on my legs and madison was right with me for the first while, along with sniffing everything on me and around me. today, i am staying at home so i can be with the mutts and then they know that i am home. i got a lot of information out of the stay at TH and i hope i can put it into my life, daily life.

glad to be home though … so glad to be home.

i am off again

 i am off again to TH for 10 days. it is for my safety, internally and externally. my 30th birthday is on Wednesday, so off we go. tomorrow after our therapy session, we are off to TH. i am scared. i am not sleeping much and at times it is scary. but i am sleeping a few hours every night. i made a CD to take with me to TH for some comfort music, along with my mp3 player. i have packed stuff animals, and comfort clothes - PJ’s, and things to feel safe.

i am scared, but i know we will make through this, like we have before. right? so i am off and i’ll talk later …

mental health painting

here is the painting from the CMHA art show and silent auction:

 

title: “My Mental Health: Caged”
medium: acrylic
date: January 2008

the opening reception went well. Glen Scrimshaw was there and he talked a bit about art (all kinds of art) and the importance of it to a person’s life, now and in the future. there was non-alcoholic champagne and we held a toast to continue with further art and more art shows/silent auctions. they had a poster contest in the local high schools to “Break the Stigma of Mental Illness” and rewarded the winners with their prizes.

our local television network was there and took pictures of the opening reception. they focused on my painting and zoomed out to show the rest of the art at the show. i was surprised, and i mean i was surprised when i saw this at lunch news, and it was shown again this evening. the newspeople talked about the art show/silent auction and that it is open all weekend.

i didn’t go there today, and i may not go tomorrow, but i am planning on going there on Sunday to hear a bit of the readings and to support the writer’s who exhibited their writing from the Writer’s Group at the art show as well.

 

art show and silent auction this weekend

the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) - Stoon branch is having an art show this weekend and we have piece of our art in the art show and silent auction this year. Susan and i decided to submit a painting that we started in December 2007 and finished it in January 2008. it is similar to the drawing we did a couple of years ago, “My Brain is Caged”, except it is painted and in colour. when we submitted the painting in January, i forgot to take a picture of it for my records. however, i am planning on taking a picture of it, tonight while i am at the opening. but for now, here is the drawing we did a few years ago…

the opening reception is tonight, and then the show and silent auction goes until sunday afternoon. the painting is in the silent auction as well. half of the proceeds go to the artist and the other half will go to CMHA and their programming. also, there is the guest speaker tonight and it is Glen Scrimshaw. he is a canadian artist and he does amazing work …

so i am gone to that tonight and will be popping in and out of the art show all weekend …

connecting with others and the past

first off, i am still here. just been a little busy re-installing everything back onto the computer. the computer crashed and i had to do a full recovery on the system, it really takes a toll. i have been having to re-install things like the Java, security, firewalls, spyware, adware protection, and more. so this has been the first day with getting back to “reality” in what is happening around me. so at times, i was ready to throw the computer out into the trash but then the thought would come to my mind - “but how do i connect with people?” i have found that the internet has been helpful in finding out that i am NOT the only one. that there are others out there who are willing to listen to what i have to say, and i can always learn from them too, an example would be everyone who comes to this blog.

i have also been connecting up with my past as well. i asked my GP for a copy of the “medical report” from January 1999.